Sometimes I'm an Idiot Sandwich
For weeks, people on social media have been excited about spring. More light! Longer days! My cranky side thinks, Yay, more hours for my husband to be gone!
My stomach turns in knots in the weeks leading up to the next busy season. I begin to feel anxious, knowing what’s to come. (And worried at the unknowns ahead, too.) Spring seeding is next on the dock at our farm. While my husband dreams of time in the tractor and placing tiny seeds in the soil, my thoughts race to evenings alone, long hours, and bringing meals to the field.
Rich has mainly been in charge of the big kids’ bedtime in the last few months. The kids love this, of course, because he reads more stories than I do and lays with them while they fall asleep. I’ll be alone to do bedtime for all three kids in the coming weeks.
When I’m alone, I usually get upset with the big kids at bedtime. It’s like Pavlov’s theory with the dog. They whine, and I snap. It doesn’t even have to be a big thing; I’ve trained myself to get upset quickly. I’ve been thinking about this busy season for weeks, making it more of a thing than it is. Dreading the time, when I could be looking forward to it (or at least, trying to).
Much like the weeks ahead of the farm's busy seasons, I work myself up before anything happens.
This last week, I’ve felt guilty about dreading spring seeding. It’s dry, and they haven’t been able to seed. Rich has been stressed and anxious about the crop and whether or not it will rain.
And I’ve just been thinking about myself. (Yes, “I’m an idiot sandwich.”)
As I type, I can hear the birds chirping outside my window. The sky is still black, but there’s pink on the horizon—the sun is coming. In the front yard, my tulips have poked through the dry soil, a sure sign of spring. Yesterday, the girls and I jumped on the trampoline without our coats. The people on the Internet might not have it all wrong (this time!)—there is beauty in the longer days after a long, dark winter.
Last week, I listened to an older episode of the Risen Motherhood podcast about your husband working long hours. My biggest takeaway from the episode was the advice to “pray for graciousness and stamina during this season.”
So that’s what I’ll be doing this spring. (And probably being an idiot sandwich from time to time.)